Where’s My Line?

Posted by Brad Osborne on September 10, 2012 · 8 Comments 

We have all heard the phrase that “honesty is the best policy”. And we can easily equate honesty with the truth. In fact, it is nearly impossible to find a definition of honesty that does not include the word truth or being truthful as a reference. And the following will use these words as interchangeable ideas, for you cannot be one without the other. Honesty is a cornerstone in what our society considers appropriate behavior. Being dishonesty or lying, in general, is considered a horrible character flaw. And it can easily undermine any other good qualities you may exude. It is truly rare to find a person that is okay with being lied to. Conversely, most people avoid associating with persons they consider to be dishonest or liars. It doesn’t mean that we don’t all have to deal with dishonesty from someone in our lives at some point or even many points, as many circumstances and situations require us to interact with people we knowingly don’t trust. But we certainly measure and weigh everything they tell us. And for the worst offenders, we almost automatically assume everything they tell us is a lie. On the other hand, we are apt to give most people the benefit of the doubt that they are truthful, unless they give us reason to think otherwise. With no historical record of honesty from of someone we just met, we assume they have this delicate and elusive character trait.

The important tenet of being honest and truthful is so vital to good character, that for most of us it was one of the first concepts we were taught as a child. I think it comes shortly after learning what “yes” and “no” mean. Our parents or caregivers chided us to always tell the truth. And especially in those situations where we may be compelled to lie in an effort to avoid embarrassment or punishment for something we had done. At the youngest of ages, with a limited understanding of what personal character means or any real knowledge base for the complexities of human interaction, we were encouraged to do the one thing that is the most difficult in life. Just tell the truth and let the proverbial chips fall where they may. This concept is continually reinforced throughout our lives in the hopes of becoming ingrained in our characters. We even suffer the charge of perjury on those who would be dishonest in presenting facts in a legal issue before the courts. Everyone wants everyone else to be honest and tell the truth in all they do and say. And with honesty comes great respect. Even when what is said seems hurtful to our sensitivities or projects views widely diverse from our own, we respect the fact that the person was honest with us. Some of my greatest personal growth has come from friends telling me the truth, no matter how much it may hurt my feelings or invoke some negative response. And I love them for it.

So with all the expectations we have for others and this constant push to be honest from our earliest days, why do we all find ways to not be truthful? Certainly any hypocrisy that our parents displayed regarding being truthful drastically undersold us as children on its importance. When the pesky neighbor called and you answered, being instructed to tell them the person they asked for was not there (while they stood only feet away from you)started to imply that telling the truth in all things was not vital. You learned that there were situations in which the examples of character in your life openly chose to lie. You suddenly became aware of the mass of gray that sat between the small points of light that are truth and lie. If you were aware enough to question this behavior, or other similar situations of which they are tons, you probably received some feeble explanation that this was just a small white lie or fib and this particular type of dishonesty was not only acceptable, but somewhat expected. You may have adopted the notion that it was better to tell a small lie than to hurt someone’s feelings by telling the truth. So we learn that out there somewhere is a line between lies that are okay and lies that are not.

And individually we know exactly where our line is. We know what we are willing to lie about and what we won’t lie about. We often find it acceptable to lie about things we perceive as “small” things, those little white lies and fibs. But expect honesty from ourselves on things of importance. But if we choose to lie about small things because we fear the small repercussions that may come with the truth, how can we expect complete honesty from ourselves when the stakes are even higher? And even if we have the moral fortitude to draw our line between okay to lie and not okay to lie at some relevant level that would be seen as reasonable by others, we are the only ones who can clearly see our own line. Do you know where that line is for others? You may think or hope that it lies somewhere near your own, but it is at best a guess or hope, for only they know where their own line is. And if we have people in our lives who will not tell us the truth in small matters, under the guise of not wanting to create drama or hurt our feelings, can we truly expect the honesty from them when the truth may have a more devastating impact on our own psyche or emotional state?

I would proffer that if we are willing to be dishonest in small things for fear of what consequences may come with the truth; then more important matters, which have vastly larger consequences coupled with our skewed reasoning, would lead to being dishonest in those circumstances for the same reasons. Rarely is anything in our lives simply “black” or “white”. We exist in a world full of shades of gray in just about every aspect of living. But in honesty, there is no gray. There is no “good” reason for being dishonest. There is no sensible rational in protecting someone or their feelings by lying to them. Ask anyone you know if they would want you to lie to them to protect their feelings. I would be surprised if you find anyone, who fits into the definition of friend or family, who would choose for you to be dishonest with them.

So if we must draw a line of how important something has to be before we will have to be honest about it, draw it in pen at the smallest of things. Choose all matters to be important enough to be truthful about. Or you will need to muster your full prowess of understanding when someone lies to you. What we put into the world, through our thoughts, words, and actions, returns to us. So lie if you think it is the “right” thing to do, but you can then hold no disdain when you are lied to.

© 2012  Commonsensibly Speaking ~ Brad Osborne

Filed under General · Tagged with being in love, betrayal, betrayed, change, common good, emotion, growth, honesty, individual, lies, Life lessons, line, lines, love, lying, mainstream media, personal development, personal growth, perspective, philosophy, sex, society, Tao, Tao Te Ching, taoism, taoist, teachings, truth, verbal expressions