The Return

Recently, I was asked to help my sister start a blog. I failed to be of any real help but, in spite of that, she has successfully begun writing in her own blog at https://ramblingsandruminations.blog/.

She knows I have had one for years and had finally realized that she too had the desire to share her thoughts and ideas to a larger audience. Or maybe it is the fact that she is older now and in the face of her own mortality wants to insure that some part of who she is remains after she is gone. She was never blessed with children and does not have them to be the legacy she leaves behind. I don’t know her exact whys and I don’t care. She is my sister and I would do anything for her because I love her to no end. And she has always be a sounding board for me. She is intelligent, kind, compassionate, and a true empath. In everything she does, she has the unique ability to think of others first. But most of all, she is who I turn to when I need help understanding my own feelings or thoughts, the feelings or thoughts of others, and most importantly when I need the unvarnished truth. She is the one person I know would never lie to me or mislead me. Can’t even put into words what that means to me.

So, in preparing to offer my assistance, I was forced to go back and look at my own blog. I have not made an entry since March of 2014. For over five years this blog has hung there dying on the vine. And I am not truly sure what happened. I do know that I sometimes write in spurts. But even with that, I write enough material when consumed by my muse that I could easily parse out material here and there to keep my blog entries on a consistently timely basis. And that is important to keep up your readership. But it has never been about readership or monetizing my writing. Don’t get me wrong, my dream job would be to make a decent living doing the thing I love most. But financial success for writers seems to be as elusive as a professional sports contract or a Nobel Prize, so it never seemed realistic. I am happy to settle for just writing. And through all these past five years, I have continued to write in some form or another. I just stop sharing. I moved to writing in my journal and leaving it there. I don’t know what happened. Did I stop caring? Did I think others didn’t care? Did humility overtake my ego and convince me that I have no true insight or information that can really help anyone? I do know that I am not smarter than anyone else. The only tangible skill that separates me from some is a command of the language and no fear in expressing myself. The only other factor that can separate me from anyone else is my life experiences. And maybe that is it. I have led a uniquely odd life. But is it hubris to think that it gives me some greater insight? I am still working to understand what happened that made me stop sharing, because I never stopped writing. I hope to someday figure it out. What I do know is that I didn’t start a blog with any expectations other than my writing would exist long after I am gone.

And, although I still have no real expectations for my blog, I am returning. And I do know why I am coming back. In reviewing my dusty and languishing entries, a few things happened. First, I reread all my entries and was pleased to find that my truths then are still my truths today. Wouldn’t have been surprised to have my thoughts or feelings on a subject change because that is the measure of personal growth. But the fact that I still feel and believe all those things I wrote gave me a sense of steadfastness in the beliefs I have worked so hard to make a part of myself and my life. The other thing I realized is really the motivating factor in my return, as a confirmation of my beliefs remaining the same was comforting, but not compelling. I reread one entry in which a reader left a comment. And, again, I was reminded of how powerful the impact of a few written words can be. I struggle, even today, to connect with most people in a real and meaningful way. I think I may have become too cynical of human nature and don’t easily trust others. I have cultivated my own want to be completely open and honest, but rarely expect another party to want to be the same way. And thus, I keep most people at a distance. It is safe, but also a bit lonely. I do not often feel like I am a positive force in anyone’s life and for me that is just plain disappointing. I think I had hoped for more from myself. I want to reach people, but I wrestle with how and whether I really do. Maybe that is a common feeling for most people, I just don’t know. So, let me share the words that brought me back home:

Brad – that one hit home hard – I will be trying my best to live up to that last paragraph.

Reading that comment on a post from 2012 really hit home hard for me too. I realized that I had an impact on somebody else’s life just by sharing of myself. I can hope and believe that this one person may have greater joy in their life because I simply shared a truth they likely already knew they just needed a reminder or some perspective. How did I miss that and why would I ever let that go?

So, I am back. Can’t promise my readers anything other than I will continue to share my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings as honestly and openly as I can. What am I hoping for with my return?

I just want to touch one more person and make a difference in their lives. I don’t know that I will, but I do know that I did once and that means it could happen again. That is enough for me to shoot for. Thank you Kwai Chang for your words and touching my life in return!

Comments
7 Responses to “The Return”
  1. My heart is full of pride knowing that you have returned to sharing your writings and as such, your thoughts. I mean this in the kindest way, but your life certainly HAS offered you many adventures and decisions whose outcome DOES bring something to us when you share them. I continually chuckle to myself each time you label yourself cynical. Yes, you’ve experienced some setbacks in your attempts for enriching your life, but so have we all. You will never be truly cynical until you throw up your hands and vow, with every bit of energy and focus inside you, that you are done trying. Even then, you will still retain your ability to love and to be loved, albeit a bit more selectively. So, I’ll never see you as the cynic you claim to be.

  2. edward dougherty says:

    Nice to see you back….

  3. petespringerauthor says:

    What a touching and sincere post, Brad. It sounds like you are your own worst critic. I’ve only known you a few months, but I never would have believed that you had this self-image. All I see is a guy brave enough to share his innermost thoughts and feelings in the most eloquent of ways—that’s so courageous in my book! Other people should be so lucky to have the special connection that you share with your sister.

  4. jupitergrant says:

    This is lovely. Your words of love for your sister brought a lump to my throat. I assure you that you are very much a positive force in my life, my dearest Moon, and I am very glad that you decided to return to your blog and your stunning word craft. 😘😘😘

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  1. […] today marks one year since the return to my blog. You can read about that journey in my post, “The Return”. And this past year has been an amazing journey for me, made even sweeter by all the support, […]



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