The Jaded Heart

Like most people, I have had relationships come and go throughout my life. From the infatuated love of school days, when the heart was carefree and new. When all things seemed possible because love was involved. Through the tougher times when the devout feelings of love the heart pushed to the forefront could not overcome the slings and arrows of harsh words or unkindness. All the way to the crush of infidelity from someone you had chosen to devote your life and future to.

Some ended quietly. Dying the natural death that is young love. When the grass always seemed greener. Little concern for loneliness when each day brought being smitten by another. Some ended with a torrent of accusations and hatred that drew mean words well aimed at the soft spots you had made vulnerable in your desire for true closeness. When sharing your fears returns in a way you would have least expected from another who had confessed such undying love.

Some, most likely many, ended with the fault landing directly on my shoulders. Learning the hard way, the lessons of a truly loving and committed relationship. And a few could not be reconciled to a point where I had gone terribly wrong, other than believing my partner was someone they were not. But that is a failure in its own way that must be fully owned if growth is what you seek. The words come easy to some, though their actions shine in the true light of how they feel.

Repeatedly, I had put my heart out there in the hopes of finding the love everyone else touted as the great joy in life. But over and over again, these relationships ended. Every one of them. Even my most devout and committed love could not keep the partners who no longer wanted to stay. I could not make someone love me back. I learned that I have no control over having love in my life. The only control being in how I will let myself be treated. Sometimes letting bad treatment continue far too long because standing up for myself was often balanced by having to admit I had failed once again to attain that which I was so desperately seeking.

Is it hard to understand why I am purposely cautious with my heart and feelings now? Why I find it so hard to just believe the words that are spoken? Why I am reluctant to let another get very close? I didn’t learn the stove was hot the first time I touched it. None of us ever do. But at some point, you must make the connection that the pain of heartache comes from somewhere. Is it crazy not to want to go there again?

The heart now scarred and scared. Still bruised from the damage of relationships gone by. It would rather be alone than take another beating. Can you blame it?

6 Responses to “The Jaded Heart”
  1. Jim Borden says:

    Brad, it seems as if your priorities and outlook on life changed based on your experiences, which is to be expected.

  2. The saddest part about all of is is that I know you have a kind and loving heart, stronger for its bruises. It is a true shame that someone worthy of that heart is so elusive!

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  1. […] inability or unwillingness to connect on a deeply emotional level. Reading my previous post, “The Jaded Heart“, would shine some light on how I have become somewhat emotionally protective. Now I am not […]

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