Knowing
~~~
I have more in common with a murderer than a minister
As the red, white, and blue wraps around the sinister
And evil is not evil when thought done for the good
So, we happily take lives as all good soldiers should
~~~
Given a uniform, the fatal skills, and a warrior’s mind
We are thrown into the fray and killing easy to find
While the fear races through the heart of a mother
It avoids the heart of her son who kills his brother
~~~
We see to complete our mission without taking pause
Survival overtakes any sense of reasonable cause
And in a battle won by only who kills whom first
An animal emerges that bears a bloodthirst
~~~
An inebriation of power comes at the taking of life
As another’s hopes drip from the edge of your knife
Here, where my greatest evils lie so unexposed
The light of the once good in me slowly erodes
~~~
I have crossed a line, where few others want to go
Heaven a wonder, yet the real hell is to know
That somewhere inside you, evil sleeps in the man
Who felt nothing for the blood and death on his hands
~~~
Fate denied me a regretless death in the field
And that extra time, no great good did it yield
For the rest of my life, whatever evils I resist
I will have to live knowing that man still exists
~~~
commonsensiblyspeaking 
i cannot even imagine how that must feel, but you have described it so that i can begin to –
Thank you, Beth!
I suspect this post to be more personal than many. I disagree only because that was the man you USED to be – by necessity and responsibility – but that is not the man you are today. 99% of us do the best we can within any given set of circumstances, but if we continually grow through life, we aren’t the person we used to be yesterday, nor the person we will be tomorrow. We both need to work on forgiving ourselves for choices we made in the past… of course, I have no words of wisdom for you as this is still a constant struggle for me. What I do know is that the man you are today would not kill with bold intent to do harm unless it were necessary.
Well said, though I would say that 99% is an over-generous estimate of those “of us [who] do the best we can within any given set of circumstances” — if that were so, there wouldn’t be tens of millions of blind Trump believers, apologists, and sycophants
Thanks for the perspective sis! Love you!
powerful words, Brad. you have put into words what many soldiers must feel. I hope you find peace …
Thank you, Jim! Very kind!
👍
Your words explain your understandable confused feelings. I don’t like that soldiers are made to feel guilty through decisions that others made for them.
Thanks Pete!
Well written poem Brad. There are no if ands or buts when you join the Army or military which ever branch. During war times if you refused during combat to follow an order you can be shot. Brad you did your job and my guess is you did it not with pleasure but that you did it to save your brothers that you fought with and that is what you were trained to do. In terms of what kind of man you are – think of Saul in the Bible who killed every Christian he could get his hands on in the most horrible ways as they did not follow the “so called rules, he believed to be right.” That man was later known as Paul and he spent the rest of his life after talking to our Lord trying to teach people the bible and that loving God and Jesus was much more important then following a strict set of rules. Brad you did your job and my guess is that you have saved countless lives of the men you were with and I am sure their families were grateful. Sending you my love and respect Brad for your service and praying that one day you can simple acknowledge you did what needed to be done and allow yourself to find love and be loved. Big hugs, Jonikins xoxoxo
Very well said Brad, those are the thoughts of a soldier and lamentably for all of us that have been there, it is all true.
Thank you, brother! I knew you would understand this at a depth unknown by most. These are the hardest feelings to find the right words for. I appreciate you, Francisco!
So very true my brother…
You may be a better man now but you were always a good one.
Thanks Geoff! My ex may argue that theory.